Parenting Principles, Take One: Don't Use Shame and/or Manipulation and Call it Love. It Will Mess Up Your Kid.

I really don't get into parenting books. Perhaps that's because my first dose of parenting books were sleep training books. Which made me flustered because 1) I wasn't going to play by their rules and 2) Neither was the baby. So I tossed the books out and adjusted for each baby. Happy mom, happy babies, we're all good.

But occasionally I find a well-written something something about parenting principles that rings true to me. That I think back on. Here are the some of the best I've found recently.

Here's the first one I like: When A Parent's "I Love You" Means "Do as I Say".  by Alfie Kohn. The premise of this outstanding article is that if a parent uses approval and love to manipulate a child, this isn't good for the kid.

Then next one I like is a post from a popular mommy blogger, Sarah, of Clover Lane when she did a guest post at Power of Moms about raising teenagers. Here's her post.

And here's another one I've been thinking about. It's called "How to Raise a Future Victim of Abuse". (Obvious sidetone: The author wants to NOT raise a future victim of abuse.)

Goes along with this one: The basic premise is that discipline is necessary, shaming is not. Making a child feel bad about herself is a harmful way to manage her mistakes.

I just found this one this morning called "The Imperfectly Happy Family". The premise is that high family achievement standards from parents can lead to "discouragement, anxiety, and depression" in kids who feel like they will never measure up to these standards and are shamed about being imperfect. There is a better way.

I think these resonate with me because of what I have always believed about parenting. How I treat my kids will influence how they perceive themselves now and in their future. Even when I need to teach them, even when they mistakes, even if they are little kids or big kids with little or big mistakes: they will learn more from how I treat them than from what I'm trying to teach.

And this post isn't for anyone else (unless you find it helpful) but for me so I can come back to these articles again and again.